Well hello there, dear reader. Thanks for popping in. I had this week’s article all written out for you and was getting ready to send it in to my editor. 

But it was a heavy duty anti-political rant and I was not too happy with it. Anyhow, an alternative has presented itself. 

Out of the blue I got a letter from my brother in Ireland. He sent along a collection of funnies he ran across in his travels through County Kerry. 

They are, I think, much better and more lighthearted than my hostile diatribe. So I hope, for a change, you won’t mind a bit of Irish humor...

Good morning! What are we offended by today? - It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. I bought her a magazine rack. - I found that I’ve been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.

My doctor explained it’s the victim C and natural sugars. But I really think it’s the vodka. - When you’re stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolates and sweets.

Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is desserts. - I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief. - Some people are like clouds. 

Once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. - My going out clothes have missed me so much, when I put them on yesterday they hugged me so tightly, I couldn’t move.- Some people aren’t missing the odd screw, the whole damn toolbox is gone. - Common sense is now an endangered species.

Stupidity has taken over the world and unfortunately, there’s no known cure. - I can’t wait to walk down the aisle again and hear these magical words... 

“This is your captain speaking. - Picture of a fish looking at a baited hook. Caption... “Even a fish wouldn’t get into trouble if he kept his mouth shut”. - Picture of a dog looking all about. Caption... 

“All these humans with muzzles. Who did they bite?” - It’s called a joke. We used to tell them before people became offended by everything. - A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years. 

Follow me for more financial advice. - I don’t know what happened to my scale this morning. It said “Please use social distancing. One person at a time”. - I don’t curse. 

I speak fluent trucker, with a sailor dialect and a construction accent. - I named my dog “Five miles” so I can tell all my friends I walk five miles every day. - I used to wonder what it felt like to read other people’s  minds. 

Then I got a Facebook account. Now I’m over it. - I went to the paint store to get thinner... It didn’t work. - I had a date last night. I really enjoyed it.

So tonight I’m going to try a fig. - Looking for a woman recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband’s tools for cheap. - Picture of a sheepdog looking at a computer with a flock of sheep on the screen facing him. Caption reads “This is Wilson. 

He is now working from home”. - Two things to make your life better 1) Do not watch the news. 2) Stay off the bathroom scales. - Never sing in the shower, singing leads to dancing. Dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember DON’T SING. - Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. -  I didn’t go to Fiji this year due to covid -19.

I did not go in previous years because I’m poor. - The world’s shortest fairy tale... Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” 

The girl said “NO”  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had lots of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and passed gas whenever he wanted. THE END.

Dan can be reached at danhughoconnor @gmail.com